I have been fully informed that Rat Bastard is going to laugh at all my poison and continue to live in the penthouse suite. As I have been away for the holiday, I have no idea what kind of parties he has been throwing. After reminiscing with my mom about the doosie I had one year at her house where we broke the hot tub (you can't let the water level get to low), someone was drinking jungle juice on the roof and the cops were called because one of the upstanding members of the community was relieving himself in Mrs. Craft's front yard, I'm sure he's having a wild one up in the penthouse suite.
Now, I don't hear any scratchty, scratchty crawling around up there like I did with Squirrel Bastard but I hear lots of popping or cracking noises. Is he gathering up the poison packs I threw around up there and putting them in nice stacks? I know some of the noises I hear are from the boys tapping the wall as they toss in their bed and hit the wall. But I immediately think Rat Bastard. I'm completely paranoid.
Resident ghost, Bob, needs to do a better job of scaring things off. A Rat Bastard trap may be in order soon. But Claudia's husband Richard will have to come get it down if Rat Bastard actually gets trapped in it!
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
2am- Where is your Rat Bastard?
No, I'm not talking about your husband or boyfriend. I'm talking about the time I woke up last night thinking that the child that tapped the wall in the room next mine was Rat Bastard. Then, I started thinking about if they close up the holes that Rat Bastard and little mice friends got in by... what is going to happen. I'm not paying $500 for rat treatement. I wouldn't have even known if Squirrel Bastard hadn't popped by. Now- every little sound is Rat Bastard.
Toss and turn. Turn and toss. Turn the light on and read about Jamie and Claire. Turn the light off. Toss and turn. Turn and toss. This was my night. Constantly thinking about Rat Bastard. Last looking at the clock in the 4am hour sometime.
I came to work and immediately went into see the Property Manager. Let's talk Rat Bastards. Let me just cut to the chase. Property Manager and I went and bought the right poison that I can toss in the corners where I can't walk directly to. Smart. I'm going to put some mothballs up there because Rat Bastard doesn't like the smell of mothballs. I'm going to wait 7 long days and then plug the holes with the Stuffit steel wool in the soffits to keep Rat Bastard and friends out of the Penthouse until 2009 when I'll get a professional painter/sider person to fix it properly.
All this for $30.00.
I'm so pissed at Squirrel Bastard because if he hadn't come in and stirred up Rat Bastard I would still love my little house and not be tossing and turning all night. No, I won't let either Rat or Squirrel Bastard change the love that I have for Home Sweet Home.
I'm just going to Rambo their asses!
Toss and turn. Turn and toss. Turn the light on and read about Jamie and Claire. Turn the light off. Toss and turn. Turn and toss. This was my night. Constantly thinking about Rat Bastard. Last looking at the clock in the 4am hour sometime.
I came to work and immediately went into see the Property Manager. Let's talk Rat Bastards. Let me just cut to the chase. Property Manager and I went and bought the right poison that I can toss in the corners where I can't walk directly to. Smart. I'm going to put some mothballs up there because Rat Bastard doesn't like the smell of mothballs. I'm going to wait 7 long days and then plug the holes with the Stuffit steel wool in the soffits to keep Rat Bastard and friends out of the Penthouse until 2009 when I'll get a professional painter/sider person to fix it properly.
All this for $30.00.
I'm so pissed at Squirrel Bastard because if he hadn't come in and stirred up Rat Bastard I would still love my little house and not be tossing and turning all night. No, I won't let either Rat or Squirrel Bastard change the love that I have for Home Sweet Home.
I'm just going to Rambo their asses!
Monday, November 17, 2008
Rat Squirrel Bastard
Rat Squirrel Bastard figured out how to get out and left Sunday on his own. I still had the critter people come to see where he got in and to seal it up. When I called the critter people he told me that he was going to do a 24 point inspection. What I realised when he got here and started doing his 24 point inspection was I wasn't interested in a 24 point inspection. No, I don't give a rat squirrel bastards ass about the 24 point inspection, what you think about my old ass wiring, how my a/c is set up, that the previous owners rigged up some crazy phone line or you're opinion on my insurance company.
All I'm effing interested in is how did the little rat squirrel bastard get in and how do I keep him out. That's it. Focus on the problem at hand so I can feed my children, get homework done and get them to bed. I'm not looking to spend $5,000 residing my home, $2,000 on rebuilding my fireplace chimney or anything else not related to keeping Rat Squirrel Bastard out of my penthouse suite. I'm officially annoyed.
Rat Squirrel Bastard entered through the roof vent that is not screened off. Critter people will be replacing said vent at a premium cost because a) I don't have the time and b) I don't have the energy for any other know it all to come tell me how the previous owners did a crappy job rigging phone lines. My phones work fine! The problem is a rat squirrel bastard running around in my attic!
And, this is the brief version.
All I'm effing interested in is how did the little rat squirrel bastard get in and how do I keep him out. That's it. Focus on the problem at hand so I can feed my children, get homework done and get them to bed. I'm not looking to spend $5,000 residing my home, $2,000 on rebuilding my fireplace chimney or anything else not related to keeping Rat Squirrel Bastard out of my penthouse suite. I'm officially annoyed.
Rat Squirrel Bastard entered through the roof vent that is not screened off. Critter people will be replacing said vent at a premium cost because a) I don't have the time and b) I don't have the energy for any other know it all to come tell me how the previous owners did a crappy job rigging phone lines. My phones work fine! The problem is a rat squirrel bastard running around in my attic!
And, this is the brief version.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
The Penthouse Suite
So yesterday I was sitting in my living room enjoying a re-read of Diana Gabaldon's Outlander when there's a bit of commotion on the roof and near the fireplace area. A kaboom, scratch, scratch, boom kind of noise. I think, "Hmm... well that certainly sounds like something is now in the fireplace or wall." I go outside and peer at the roof. Nothing but roof. Deep breaths. Happy thoughts. Be brave. I stand silently in my living room and listen to scratch, scratch, thumpity-thump, scratch, scratch. Well, that's not good is it?
I have two entries to attic areas so I choose the entry where I can turn the light on inside the house. Smart move, right? And, I bring along a little flashlight. I'm waiting for some squeaking vermin to jump on me with his hungry little teeth and take a bite out of my face. I get to the top of the ladder and keep crawling up. Flashing the light to the dark corners of the attic area, I realize like the dumb ass I truly am that my attic goes all the way across and I can see where I store my holiday decorations on the side. It's dark over there but I can hear that scratching noise of four little feet. Something jumps up and makes some really loud scratching noise on the duct pipe but being the total wuss that I am, I retreat screaming something like, "EEEWWWW!" And close that trap door as fast as I can. I'm convinced I saw a rat but to be completely honest, in my freaked out state, I couldn't pick him out of line-up.
I grab the phone and call the Beeny's. What do I do? It's decided that rat poison is my best option. A quick trip to Lowes and I've purchased a big box of those little poison bait boxes. I hope the little bastard is hungry. But of course, now, Ms. Scary Pants has to put the poison up there.... deep breaths, happy thoughts. I can do this. I turn the light on in the in house attic area and go the garage access area. I make a ton of noise with the trap door. Pulling it down and slamming it closed. I'm coming up! I just go far enough to put the poison up there. Repeat on the other door.
I think all the noise scared him because I didn't hear from him for a while. Then there was the scratchity-scratch, thump, thump, boom, scratch noises. I try to endure it so the little rat bastard can get to the poison and have a little feast. Of course, the box and the Internet inform me that the little buggers are weary of new food supplies so it may take him a couple of days for him to eat it. Well, that's not acceptable.
I make it through the night dreaming of lions. They'll eat that rat bastard! But first thing this morning, scratchity scratch. Guess who's up?
My mom had a rat penetrate her home when she had the kitchen remodeled so when she didn't return my call from Saturday, I called her cell phone. She informs me the poison will do no good and I should get a trap. I think about this after we hang up. This means than I will need to go back into the attic. I've started talking to the little rat bastard, "Stay away from my decorations." and "Did you have a good breakfast, you little rat bastard?"
Rat-Bastard- my new favorite word.
I decide- no, I cannot handle this on my own. And I can do a lot of things on my own. I can paint, assemble, lift heavy objects, and such but this rat bastard needs a man to come and evict his ass. I start calling pest controls numbers. The first one to answer on a Sunday has my business.
The third company I call answers first. Doug tells me he thinks it might be a squirrel because you don't usually hear rats during the day. I think, "Oh, I can maybe handle a squirrel." I mean they're cute carrying nuts around in their mouths with their fluffy little tails. I think about my little buddies that I watch running around our office (which by the way, the landscapers are trying to get rid of.) I think about Karyn from Pretty in the City and her little squirrel visitor. Doug informs me that the little rat squirrel bastards will do more damage than a rat bastard. When can you be here? Today? Now? No, not today. Damn! Jason, aka Super Hero rat-squirrel bastard Evictor, will call me first thing in the morning. Doug asks what time? You know what- I will get my non-morning loving ass out of bed at the crack of dawn and fix SHRSBE breakfast and coffee if we will come as early as possible. What's your first appointment? No time was established but SHRSBE will call me first thing in the morning.
What does that little rat squirrel bastard expect? Does he think he can just move into the penthouse suite without submitting references, a credit check or putting down a deposit? I think not! And now I'm not just happy with him moving out. I want him dead. You know he's been on the rat-squirrel bastard phone to all his buddies telling them about his new pad! "Come on over. You can crash with me. There's plenty of room!" I saw Ratatouille! Those little bastards travel in packs. Someone needs to tell him about my "No Pet" policy!
Okay, so I have to live another 18 hours with the little rat-squirrel bastard having a party in the penthouse suite and hope that in that time period he doesn't chew through something important, invite anymore friends over, have any babies or figure a way how to penetrate into my living quarters until Critter Control shows up tomorrow morning.
I can just see that little rat-squirrel bastard soaking in a jacuzzi (aka the drip pan from the ac) chewing on my little poison pellets getting high saying, "WHEW! JACKPOT!"
Little rat-squirrel bastard.
I have two entries to attic areas so I choose the entry where I can turn the light on inside the house. Smart move, right? And, I bring along a little flashlight. I'm waiting for some squeaking vermin to jump on me with his hungry little teeth and take a bite out of my face. I get to the top of the ladder and keep crawling up. Flashing the light to the dark corners of the attic area, I realize like the dumb ass I truly am that my attic goes all the way across and I can see where I store my holiday decorations on the side. It's dark over there but I can hear that scratching noise of four little feet. Something jumps up and makes some really loud scratching noise on the duct pipe but being the total wuss that I am, I retreat screaming something like, "EEEWWWW!" And close that trap door as fast as I can. I'm convinced I saw a rat but to be completely honest, in my freaked out state, I couldn't pick him out of line-up.
I grab the phone and call the Beeny's. What do I do? It's decided that rat poison is my best option. A quick trip to Lowes and I've purchased a big box of those little poison bait boxes. I hope the little bastard is hungry. But of course, now, Ms. Scary Pants has to put the poison up there.... deep breaths, happy thoughts. I can do this. I turn the light on in the in house attic area and go the garage access area. I make a ton of noise with the trap door. Pulling it down and slamming it closed. I'm coming up! I just go far enough to put the poison up there. Repeat on the other door.
I think all the noise scared him because I didn't hear from him for a while. Then there was the scratchity-scratch, thump, thump, boom, scratch noises. I try to endure it so the little rat bastard can get to the poison and have a little feast. Of course, the box and the Internet inform me that the little buggers are weary of new food supplies so it may take him a couple of days for him to eat it. Well, that's not acceptable.
I make it through the night dreaming of lions. They'll eat that rat bastard! But first thing this morning, scratchity scratch. Guess who's up?
My mom had a rat penetrate her home when she had the kitchen remodeled so when she didn't return my call from Saturday, I called her cell phone. She informs me the poison will do no good and I should get a trap. I think about this after we hang up. This means than I will need to go back into the attic. I've started talking to the little rat bastard, "Stay away from my decorations." and "Did you have a good breakfast, you little rat bastard?"
Rat-Bastard- my new favorite word.
I decide- no, I cannot handle this on my own. And I can do a lot of things on my own. I can paint, assemble, lift heavy objects, and such but this rat bastard needs a man to come and evict his ass. I start calling pest controls numbers. The first one to answer on a Sunday has my business.
The third company I call answers first. Doug tells me he thinks it might be a squirrel because you don't usually hear rats during the day. I think, "Oh, I can maybe handle a squirrel." I mean they're cute carrying nuts around in their mouths with their fluffy little tails. I think about my little buddies that I watch running around our office (which by the way, the landscapers are trying to get rid of.) I think about Karyn from Pretty in the City and her little squirrel visitor. Doug informs me that the little rat squirrel bastards will do more damage than a rat bastard. When can you be here? Today? Now? No, not today. Damn! Jason, aka Super Hero rat-squirrel bastard Evictor, will call me first thing in the morning. Doug asks what time? You know what- I will get my non-morning loving ass out of bed at the crack of dawn and fix SHRSBE breakfast and coffee if we will come as early as possible. What's your first appointment? No time was established but SHRSBE will call me first thing in the morning.
What does that little rat squirrel bastard expect? Does he think he can just move into the penthouse suite without submitting references, a credit check or putting down a deposit? I think not! And now I'm not just happy with him moving out. I want him dead. You know he's been on the rat-squirrel bastard phone to all his buddies telling them about his new pad! "Come on over. You can crash with me. There's plenty of room!" I saw Ratatouille! Those little bastards travel in packs. Someone needs to tell him about my "No Pet" policy!
Okay, so I have to live another 18 hours with the little rat-squirrel bastard having a party in the penthouse suite and hope that in that time period he doesn't chew through something important, invite anymore friends over, have any babies or figure a way how to penetrate into my living quarters until Critter Control shows up tomorrow morning.
I can just see that little rat-squirrel bastard soaking in a jacuzzi (aka the drip pan from the ac) chewing on my little poison pellets getting high saying, "WHEW! JACKPOT!"
Little rat-squirrel bastard.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Paper Paintings
I have found a new artist that I just love! Her name is Elizabeth St. Hilaire Nelson. It is my goal to own one of her pieces (or more) AND to attend one of her workshops. In fact, I'm hoping to obtain both for my 40th birthday next year. There. I have officially put it out to the universe.
Check her blog out at http://elizabethsthilairenelson.blogspot.com/.
More of her work is featured here.
Check her blog out at http://elizabethsthilairenelson.blogspot.com/.
More of her work is featured here.
The piece below is called Reflection. Isn't she beautiful? I have envisioned something like this hanging in my living room extending my pool into my house. :)
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Ray Wattson from Highlowaha.com
Ray has been very busy over at Highlowaha.com since I introduced you to him here on our site. If you click on the pictures, they should open in a new window larger. Search for the hidden "HLA"s. A clue to how many are in the picture are by his boot. Good Luck!
Where will he turn up next?
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