I had to buy a toilet for the remodel of my bathroom. So, I take myself over to Home Depot one Wednesday night. I find the toilet aisle all the way in the back and there are two men employees there. I tell them I need a toilet. They ask, "The tank, the bowl or what?"
I tell them, "I need the whole kit. And, my contractor told me to get an American Standard brand. There's one that resists mold and all that crap. (Just put in your own potty joke here) And, it's about $150."
They kind of chuckle at me like I was some stupid, silly girl. So, we start going through the options. This one will flush golf balls.
This one is pretty.
This one this and this one that.
"Now, you'll want an elongated one."
My immediate response was, "What? Are you saying my ass is fat?"
One guy starts finding the components and I realize, "Oh! Am I taking this with me? I thought my contractor would pick it up. Can I lift those?"
"Oh, honey, you can let your husband lift it out of the car."
I’m totally offended that every man in this world thinks you have to have a man around to get things done! "Look buddy- it's me or nothing. I don't keep one of those around my house."
So, we load everything up on a cart and head over to the seat aisle. Do I want a cushy seat or wood seat or a plastic-no-slam-seat or a regular plain Jane or the beautiful expensive seat? I figure what the hell, I'm spending all this money, go ahead and get the expensive one. And make sure it's elongated for my fat ass!
So, while I'm getting all of this attention I start asking questions about hand saws and jig saws and what do I do about this or that. I notice that one guy has a humming tick and the more he talks, the worse it gets. I couldn't understand what he was saying anymore. I was starting to get a little flustered myself.
So, we move on and I check out and the humming tick guy helps me to my car and proceeds to ask me out. I'm dumb founded! He proceeds to tell me his whole life story over his smoke break! Well, I'm sorry. I don't date smokers. THANK GOD! This is his speech pattern- "So-hummm, can I buy you-hummmm a drink sometime? Or a-hummm a Coke?" Smoker, 10 years older, working at Home Depot as a second job (for fun I'm sure) and totally out of shape with a humming tick? Really? Do you see me going out with this person? Those are the kind of men that hit on me! Joy for me!
Poor guy. I’m sure he’s very nice. He was helpful but, get this- after all that discussion about toilets and fat asses…I ended up with a round toilet and an elongated expensive seat!
